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Megat Muhammad Fuad >>

never thought that someone with this name or this particular person could be a person that I ended up writing something about him, about how much I miss him, how much  I am attached to him, how much I rely on him, also how much I am afraid of losing him

losing the chance to listen to his voice
losing the chance to have his face as my everyday view
losing the chance to get mad at him
losing the chance to pour much love towards him
or even scarier,
losing the chance to be in the position as his important person in his life

It is pretty awkward, honestly
for a person like me, to love someone this much
to miss someone this bad.
to feel like -stick-like-a-glue to someone like a crazy woman

but with this man, everything is possible.
I have been doing stuffs i never did to someone else with me
He is not just special, yet I will probably give up on life without him by my side

////laughing (((((((( how cheesy I can be? yep another changes I made)))))))))))))))))))

I miss you, I am seriously greedy of you.
If it possible, I would like to be with you 24/7 every single day in my life.
I do not ever want to share every tip of you with someone else
never.

But,
I love you so much, I acknowledged I shouldnt be immature type of human
We still have long way to go,
more to experience
more to explore
more to know within each other
Funny how, only 8 months it takes me to grow fond with you
8 months it takes for me to get obsessed over you
8 months to realize, you are indeed the one

But,
life is indeed a surprise phases.
I do not want to put any more hope since I know if one day you leave, I dont want to go through much pain because of this love.
Just, I hope from the deepest place in my heart, you will be here
should I write it or not, it may sounds I am asking for too much
Just..... I hope you will be here forever 
I miss you so bad, sayang. 
So badly 

Mom

Disgusted,
Humiliated,
Underestimated,

I am secretly feeling the hate from everyone I am close with, well it is true what they said
" The amount of people that loves you, are as much as people that hates you"
"Do not believe at the smile they gave you, it covered the anger and the hatred"
" Do not believe at good treatment, there is something behind that"

But, i tried not to be a narrow-minded human being. I refuse to feel that way because I believe every single person have their rights to like you or awfully dislike you.

Clearly, i am lying if I said I am totally fine with that.

Nope, I am not. When you are getting the love from everyone, the sudden hatred coming after that do hurts me a a lot, As I can finally know
- how they really feels about me
- how they actually see me
- how they wish to do at me
- how much the amount of complain they wanted to deliver

funny, I am finally having the moment of writing something sad in my blog while the tears are crazily running down through my cheeks and I cannot find the way to stop

I have been keeping everything inside,
- knowing that average human being can be patience about something that constantly hurting them is low.
- knowing that if I get mad today, the next day, it feels like nothing ever happened

guess who is so proud with her little heart and feelings.

but deep down I know, its bleeding and currently in need of extra blood
when this kind of time comes, the only words my heart yelling, asking for is

mom,

i want to go back to my family, strangers have been treating me good but mom, why did i feel not good, discriminate because of my stupidity,  my low rank of cgpa, how different I am with the others.

i looked back, and count how many times I get insecure over everything. I lost count.

mom, can you take me home.

please?

To live your own life or to please someone else

Those times when everything hits you hard at one time, weird right? you are not even close to crying, not even mad. not even sad or even disappointed.

You feel blank, you will stare blankly at life & start questioning why did this happening to you? why did you do wrong in life until you deserve this kind of punishment in life? and starting to laugh at your life. yes, silly how its sounds like you are close to turned insane.

nope, you are doing it right. you are just done with it. Rather than being overthinking, putting yourself in depression, over sadness, you just chose to smile & laugh like everything is doing fine.

This is what i thought about how you should deal with life & with the people who living in it.

fuck everyone who tried to be those motivational shit ass in your life, because the know nothing but never forget to appreciate them, atleast they tried.

fuck everyone that said " you're all grown up, its your life" yet still trying to control every single shit in your life. Tried to fix everything you did until almost everything you did need to be under their permission. "yeah, my life my ass"

fuck everyone who said, they will be there no matter what happened. they bluntly lied to you. pretend like you trust them but never once, rely on them. never please


people who said  "hey you dont live to please people dear" is actually the people who wanted you to please them, the people who wanted you to fulfill their selfish bastard ass.

so literally fuck everyone. i dont undestand you, my blog posts arent for motivational purpose, its just a deal between me and my life.

after all, life is full of surprise & sometimes im tired of being surprise lmao

ever wanted to see how your life changing?

go through your camera rolls, you'll get amazed. 

as I am. 

Sick?

sick of everyone

ive watched this one korean drama on sbs, its just an ordinary drama that I guess the only person who stayed awake just to watch that drama, is me. Well, its worth it.

So, this story told me that never try to change yourself just for adapting yourself with the situation or the surrounding. You are actually not adapting but torturing your own true self. I have this one bestfriend, who is very rich which is her dad have a very good job with a high salary but she is a very  good friend, more than i could've asked for. But, this one thing makes me realize that shes not the one,
the one I can be myself.
the one that I would never care about my appearance
the one that I could be stupid without minding my standarts
the one that I can act like I'm 5 years old while I must acted up like a lady

she is not the one.

Why? she is rich. and im not.
she is high standart while i will just go with plain
she get surrounded by millions of secret admires while im getting surround by guys that just think i am sporting to be friend with
she put her image as priority while what am i wearing is not embarassing then im good.
she puts expensive makeup on her face, while a bit lip balm and baby powder is enough for me.

she once, ops every single time condemn about my appearance, minding what brand of clothes should i wear, what good classy restaurant should i go, what brand bags should i bought.until one level,

i forgot where i belong, i forgot where am i standing. I'm floating in the air, the only things i mind is i have to be on the same level as her. i forced my parents everything just for the sake of me getting that standart to be on the same floor as her. to look as good as her. to be able smile proudly as her.

but, i was wrong, immature and completely stupid.
i lost myself at that time. why would i go through hardship just to be on the same level as her.
" you're not God to do anything you want, do what you're capable of"
if she is truly my friend, honest to be my friend. she should accepted me as the way i am. Friendship's rule goes along with relationship. Both of you cannot be perfect, but you must cherish the difference and appreciate each other.

if youre on the same page as me, ask your friend
"will she accept you if you cant afford expensive bags?"
"will she accept you if you cant afford to wear branded clothes?"
"will she accept you if you prefer mamak more than classy restaurant?"

i realized where i belong, where am i capable to be myself. & im glad i am.

Step Ahead

"Why you suka bercakap?"

"How you be so confident?" 

"How you'd be able to talk infront of people without any problem?" 

"You tak rasa malu ke?" 

Honestly speaking, I dont have specific answers for that common questions, all I able to react was laughing & smiling as wide and loud as I can. But I will try come up with an answer. 

"Why you suka bercakap?"

I think because this is the only way I can deliver my opinions & ideas towards people. I am the type of person that have this HUGE curiosity in my head, from the very small things to the big things. I curious about every single each of it. Logically, if you want to state your opinion about something, deliver a message to someone, you have to talk. you have to 

"How you be so confident?" 

 I am not that confident as all of you thought of me, but I try to  be one. If I have to fake it up, I will without hesitation. As time getting longer, space getting deeper, the confidential spirit has blend in my habit & attitude. 

I just get my shit together & go speak up. Its  not based on how high your confidence level is but how much you want to deliver something, if the things you want to talk was not that important, then you yourself wont have the urge to speak up which lead to confidence level. 

Life is so short, I wouldnt waste my short life sitting behind people & just keep my opinion inside just because I am afraid & not confidence. Thats just plain wasteful action. Why you chose to not to while you can 

"You control the confidence level, not the confidence level chose to be whether upper or lower"

"You tak rasa malu ke?" 

Nope, if the things I talk is necessary & useful to people who listen, but if you talk about lousy and snobbish things then you supposed to feel ashamed, if you didnt, then something is wrong with yourself. Why would you feel shy, if you want to talk about things thats very good & useful. This is why I wonder what happened in our teens nowadays. They afraid to speak up about valuable things but arent ashamed for doing bad things in public. Either stupid or brainless prick.

I am eager and wanted to deliver something to someone, so I can avoid bad things happened to me will happened again to someone else. So if I dont speak, I wil lost the chance

Never depends to your confidence level, Allah created each of us fair & square enough, never label this person more confidence than you or that person less confidence than you. You & me both can speak confidently if both of us wanted to. 

"Its how eager you want to do something"