Sigh

Megat Muhammad Fuad >>

never thought that someone with this name or this particular person could be a person that I ended up writing something about him, about how much I miss him, how much  I am attached to him, how much I rely on him, also how much I am afraid of losing him

losing the chance to listen to his voice
losing the chance to have his face as my everyday view
losing the chance to get mad at him
losing the chance to pour much love towards him
or even scarier,
losing the chance to be in the position as his important person in his life

It is pretty awkward, honestly
for a person like me, to love someone this much
to miss someone this bad.
to feel like -stick-like-a-glue to someone like a crazy woman

but with this man, everything is possible.
I have been doing stuffs i never did to someone else with me
He is not just special, yet I will probably give up on life without him by my side

////laughing (((((((( how cheesy I can be? yep another changes I made)))))))))))))))))))

I miss you, I am seriously greedy of you.
If it possible, I would like to be with you 24/7 every single day in my life.
I do not ever want to share every tip of you with someone else
never.

But,
I love you so much, I acknowledged I shouldnt be immature type of human
We still have long way to go,
more to experience
more to explore
more to know within each other
Funny how, only 8 months it takes me to grow fond with you
8 months it takes for me to get obsessed over you
8 months to realize, you are indeed the one

But,
life is indeed a surprise phases.
I do not want to put any more hope since I know if one day you leave, I dont want to go through much pain because of this love.
Just, I hope from the deepest place in my heart, you will be here
should I write it or not, it may sounds I am asking for too much
Just..... I hope you will be here forever 
I miss you so bad, sayang. 
So badly 

Mom

Disgusted,
Humiliated,
Underestimated,

I am secretly feeling the hate from everyone I am close with, well it is true what they said
" The amount of people that loves you, are as much as people that hates you"
"Do not believe at the smile they gave you, it covered the anger and the hatred"
" Do not believe at good treatment, there is something behind that"

But, i tried not to be a narrow-minded human being. I refuse to feel that way because I believe every single person have their rights to like you or awfully dislike you.

Clearly, i am lying if I said I am totally fine with that.

Nope, I am not. When you are getting the love from everyone, the sudden hatred coming after that do hurts me a a lot, As I can finally know
- how they really feels about me
- how they actually see me
- how they wish to do at me
- how much the amount of complain they wanted to deliver

funny, I am finally having the moment of writing something sad in my blog while the tears are crazily running down through my cheeks and I cannot find the way to stop

I have been keeping everything inside,
- knowing that average human being can be patience about something that constantly hurting them is low.
- knowing that if I get mad today, the next day, it feels like nothing ever happened

guess who is so proud with her little heart and feelings.

but deep down I know, its bleeding and currently in need of extra blood
when this kind of time comes, the only words my heart yelling, asking for is

mom,

i want to go back to my family, strangers have been treating me good but mom, why did i feel not good, discriminate because of my stupidity,  my low rank of cgpa, how different I am with the others.

i looked back, and count how many times I get insecure over everything. I lost count.

mom, can you take me home.

please?

To live your own life or to please someone else

Those times when everything hits you hard at one time, weird right? you are not even close to crying, not even mad. not even sad or even disappointed.

You feel blank, you will stare blankly at life & start questioning why did this happening to you? why did you do wrong in life until you deserve this kind of punishment in life? and starting to laugh at your life. yes, silly how its sounds like you are close to turned insane.

nope, you are doing it right. you are just done with it. Rather than being overthinking, putting yourself in depression, over sadness, you just chose to smile & laugh like everything is doing fine.

This is what i thought about how you should deal with life & with the people who living in it.

fuck everyone who tried to be those motivational shit ass in your life, because the know nothing but never forget to appreciate them, atleast they tried.

fuck everyone that said " you're all grown up, its your life" yet still trying to control every single shit in your life. Tried to fix everything you did until almost everything you did need to be under their permission. "yeah, my life my ass"

fuck everyone who said, they will be there no matter what happened. they bluntly lied to you. pretend like you trust them but never once, rely on them. never please


people who said  "hey you dont live to please people dear" is actually the people who wanted you to please them, the people who wanted you to fulfill their selfish bastard ass.

so literally fuck everyone. i dont undestand you, my blog posts arent for motivational purpose, its just a deal between me and my life.

after all, life is full of surprise & sometimes im tired of being surprise lmao